Flashes of Clarity
by Padfoot3456
Summary: Short snippets pre, during, and post-series through Derek's eyes. Sterek. Angst. There's all of it in here.


"G'amma, G'amma! Lookit! Lookit what I dwewed!" Derek's racing down the hall, paper in one hand, crayons in the other, one sock on and one sock off because for the life of her his mother can't get him to sit still long enough to get dressed in the morning, for Pete's sake.

She says that a lot. Pete's sake. Uncle Peter always laughs and winks. Derek still doesn't know why. But he's only three- there are way more important things to think about. Like whether his momma made cookies while he was asleep and whether or not Laura will let him play with some of her Hot Wheels today.

"What did you draw, Derek?" His Grandma always has a way of correcting him without correcting him.

Derek scrambles up into her lap, glad that she has the breaks on on her wheelchair because he had to use the wheel as footing, even though she was helping him. He turns around and sits in her lap, the picture in his hands, his heart fluttering with nervousness because he wants her to like it because he's insanely proud of it.

"I dwewed you- that's you-" He points to a wolf he did in red, because Momma said that Grandma's hair used to be red. Before it was white. "An'- an' that's g'ampa. Wight thewe." Derek's always had a problem with his r's. If he's not careful, they turn into growls. So for now, and until the age of five, he skips over them entirely or changes them to w's.

"Ahhh." His grandmother says appraisingly. "I see." She smiles at Derek's grandfather over his head as Derek inspects his work to make sure it's really quality.

"I like it." She says finally.

Derek gives a big, dramatic yet genuine gasp of surprise.

"Sewiously?" He demands.

"Seriously. Go draw me some more, sweetheart. I want to see these walls filled with your art." She kisses his forehead and sends him off running excitedly down the hallway.

oooOOOooo

"DEREK HALE!"

Derek kicks it into high gear and _runs for his life _because that's his mother screaming and she means business. He totally forgot to do the dishes and he's so dead and he doesn't even care.

Because when she catches him in the woods and tackles him, she tickles him until his ten year old body is writhing and begging for mercy. She relents, but chases him all the way back home.

oooOOOooo

When he's in sixth grade, Uncle Peter helps him build a model volcano. Uncle Peter has always been the fun uncle, the one who plays hide-and-seek even though you're too old for baby games like that and doesn't tell anyone ever. Not even dad.

It goes off prematurely in the kitchen, splattering red goop all over the place.

Derek's dad takes one look at the mess and hands Derek the mop and Uncle Peter the bucket and cloth. It takes all day to clean up properly, but Derek doesn't care because Uncle Peter is awesome and that was the best volcano ever.

That and he totally stole the win for the Science Fair at Beacon Hills Middle School.

oooOOOooo

It's the day after that that Derek experiences the first Full Moon where he transforms. He doesn't remember it, not really. Just flashes. Uncle Peter, big and furry and growly, running with his dad, who's just as big and furry and growly as they follow Derek around and play with him and show him how to work the rest of his body and the new ways it was responding.

It felt good. It felt really good. Weird, yeah, but not bad. Derek liked it. It felt natural. Like he was free. More free than he'd ever felt in his entire life.

He remembers Laura running with him, too, rolling and wrestling with him in the dead leaves and ducking around trees as they chase a raccoon through the woods. Laura's basically his best friend. She takes after their dad, all wolf and no human. But Derek's closer to their mother, as he always has been. Just a little bit of change. Just enough to show that he was indeed a wolf and not a human entirely.

His mother was a human. But she was just as fierce as his dad on any day, and his grandmother loves her, and her approval is hard to get.

The Full Moon after that, the whole pack gets together. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and Derek's family, with his dad- the Alpha- at their head. And they howl to the moon.

It's the happiest memory Derek has, besides Christmases.

oooOOOooo

Derek's fifteen when he gets his first girlfriend. It's shy and tentative and not really a relationship at all. They break it off after they both concede that kissing is weird and gross and they never want to do it with each other again.

Derek thinks he made the right decision. His dad told him that no one can ever find out about their lycanthropy, or bad things would happen.

And Derek doesn't want bad things to happen.

oooOOOooo

Derek's sixteen when he meets Kate. She's older than him by two years, but that doesn't seem to deter her from flirting with him. She's charming, she's beautiful, and she makes Derek laugh. He feels alive with her, and free from the pack for a little bit.

For a while it's just him and her and nothing else and it's _perfect._

He sleeps with her for the first time right before his seventeenth birthday. He knows she's done this before but he hasn't and it's awkward and he ends up laughing nervously through it, but it's good. Kate smiles at him like he's the only one in the whole world and he certainly feels like it. He would do anything for her.

He ends up having to sneak out of her house and hide in the bushes when her father gets home, but that's okay, because he's on top of the fucking world.

He gets home and Laura _knows_ and she doesn't approve. Derek tells her to go fuck herself as he's climbing the stairs because Kate is great and he _loves her_, and if that's not good enough for Laura, she knows where she can stick it. He collapses into bed. When he falls asleep, he dreams of telling Kate that he's a werewolf, of showing her, and she doesn't hate him for it. In fact, she loves him more, and tells him he's the strong antihero he's secretly always wanted to be.

oooOOOooo

He remembers getting the call from the front office, for both he and his sister. They meet outside the principal's door.

"You have any idea…?" Laura starts.

"Not a clue." Derek shakes his head, shifting nervously, a rolling growl starting up in his chest. He's missing Chemistry. He fucking _loves_ Chemistry. And he didn't even _do_ anything this time!

Okay so maybe he probably shouldn't have replaced all the cleaning products in one of the janitor closets with Cheerios. Probably a bad move. But how could they know it was him? Did they dust for prints or something? It could have been anyone, absolutely _anyone _else. Why'd it have to be Derek?

And that didn't explain why Laura was here. She was spunky, yeah, but she was the goody-two-shoes between them.

This just didn't make any sense.

And then the Principal lets them in and tells them about the fire and suddenly Derek's clinging to Laura's hand and rushing out of the room. The Principal's yelling, but Derek doesn't care. His house is on fire. _His family is in there._

They make it there but it doesn't matter. The fire's raging high and bright in the midday sun and Derek thinks briefly that it's ridiculous for there to be a fire in the daytime. It doesn't even look good. But that thought is gone because he can _hear them._

His family. Inside. Screaming. Begging to be let out. His mother and father alike- Derek gives a choked sound and Laura seems frozen. At least, until Derek stumbles forward like he was going to go into the building. She grabs him, spins him around and forces him to look into her eyes.

"Don't look away from me, Derek." She says. Her voice is steady. "Don't you dare. You look right at me, little brother- don't you look away." She keeps saying it, like a mantra.

And somehow, Derek keeps doing it.

He doesn't look away, even after they're shuffled aside by some police officers. The fire's still burning behind them, Derek can hear it, he can smell it. He's sure he's crying, but he's not making any sound. And he's still looking at Laura. He can't tell what's in her eyes, and he can't tell how she feels. He just knows that if he looks away, he's going to die. The world is falling out from under his feet and his big sister is the only one he can rely on to keep him steady.

Her eyes flash red and Derek lets out a soft cry of despair. His family is dead. His whole family- he and Laura are the only ones left. And by the look of it, she knows it, too. Derek tears his eyes away finally and hiccups, coughs, turns away and throws up onto the forest floor.

oooOOOooo

They tell him it's arson.

oooOOOooo

Derek leaves after that. He goes to New York with Laura. The city that never sleeps. The Big Apple. They just want to get away. And he hears that New York City is full of people just looking to get away. That and it's the farthest place from Beacon Hills they can think of.

Their apartment is tiny and it sucks because Derek hates the city. He's used to small town and big house and rolling hills and trees in all directions. But the city repo'd their house and they have no money or clothes or _anything. _It's like being stripped of everything, being dumped in the middle of the desert, and being told to _run._

He takes a look at the shitty apartment from the door. He lets go of his duffel bag and listens to the despondent clunk it lets out. Derek sighs through his mouth and thinks that this is going to be a really fucking horrible day.

oooOOOooo

Kate won't call him back. Or answer his texts.

And after a while, Derek figures it out. Reevaluating their relationship (if you could call it that), he finds that every look was shielded. Every question was more probing than it really needed to be. The only part he thinks she wasn't faking was the pleasure during sex and even then-

It's all his fault they died. If he hadn't fallen foolishly in love with her. If he hadn't trusted her with so much so soon. If he hadn't- they'd still be alive. This is all his fault and there's no way to go back. Derek is a monster. He's a horrible, horrible monster and he can't even look himself in the mirror anymore.

He feels even more broken than before.

He won't be able to trust anyone ever again.

oooOOOooo

They were almost kicked out of the apartment for not being able to pay the rent. He'd spent his portion of the rent money on getting a tattoo instead.

oooOOOooo

The first time Derek sucks cock is for money so he can catch a bus back to Beacon Hills. He spits, disgusted with himself, and demands the money before shoving the man out of the hotel room that the other guy paid for anyway. He spends three hours washing out his mouth and then just getting in the shower and scrubbing himself raw.

It's not that it was a guy. Derek couldn't care less that it was a guy.

It's that it was _wrong._ It was for money and he shouldn't have done it because he didn't even know the guy's name and there was no affection, there was no tender feelings of any kind.

But Derek knew he couldn't afford _tender feelings._ Not anymore. Not after- not after _her_.

But he gets his damn bus and he goes back to Beacon Hills. His sister is dead and it's not an accident. Derek's ready. He's pissed and it's been a wound festering for years. He's beyond ready. He's going to kill Kate.

oooOOOooo

Stiles confuses Derek to no end. Mostly because he can't decide how to feel about the boy. One second he's fucking irritated, the next he's wanting to make sure Stiles is in bed and safe and none shall harm him. His excuse is that Stiles is becoming part of his pack, slowly but surely, even though he's human.

It has nothing to do with the way Stiles is slowly worming his way passed Derek's usual defenses and creating a little warm place in Derek's heart that glows and makes his body tingle all the way down to his fingertips when Stiles smiles at him for the first time. A real, unafraid smile.

Derek beats the shit out of himself when he gets home. No, really. He breaks his own fingers eight different times, purposely dislocates his own shoulder, and breaks his collarbone. The pain clears his mind and keeps him human.

Because that's the same way he started feeling about Kate and what if Stiles is just like her? No, he doesn't seem like he is, but Kate didn't seem like she was out to get him, either. Derek can't afford to let himself be duped like that again. He can't let Stiles pull the wool over his eyes.

Because if he does, someone is going to die. And it's going to be someone Derek cares about. It's going to be Uncle Peter, or Derek himself. Because Derek doesn't care about anyone else.

His wolf wants him to love Stiles, but Derek can't let that happen.

oooOOOooo

The fact that Stiles is (albeit reluctantly) willing to cut off his arm to save his life does not help Derek think of him as only a human.

oooOOOooo

Derek stops cold when he hears them coming, pausing mid-pushup and turning his head to get a better angle. They were approaching fast. He scrambled up. He knew this house better than anyone. Even better now that half of it was burnt down. He'd have to thank Kate for that. He hid himself, waiting with baited breath. They would come. And Derek still hadn't decided if he would attack them or not. Probably not. They had guns and he didn't, not that that gave them any sort of advantage, of course, but guns still made him a little nervous.

He almost laughs at the dog joke. Burying bones? _Really_? (Okay so maybe he did that once when he was a kid but he was perfectly human at the time and it was for a good reason.)

But Kate- how _dare_ she talk about Laura like that. How dare she come back to his house, the house she burnt to the ground, the fucking nerve- Derek has had it. The one hunter had gotten too close to his hiding place. So it was all too easy to let out a roar and throw him back. He jumps from the banister to the wall, holding on and snarling at Kate. It's a threat.

Because he doesn't want to hurt her. He doesn't. Just looking at her hurts _him. _But he's going to anyway. He's going to because she deserves it and there's nothing else in his mind right now except to give her what she deserves.

Derek lies to himself. He tells himself he doesn't still love her.

oooOOOooo

He bounds across the stairs, takes out one of the hunters. He pauses, licking his teeth. He _doesn't want to hurt her._ But that's exactly what she's making him do right now.

"_Wow._ This one grew up in all the right places." He hears her, but he doesn't at the same time, his head still ringing from the electricity. Another one of those idle thoughts passes his mind.

He remembers how scrawny he still was at seventeen. He'd just started filling out, hitting puberty a little late. She's changed too. Her hair is longer. Prettier. It doesn't make Derek feel any better. His wolf hates her and is chomping at the bit to tear her throat out. The problem is, Derek can't really move right now.

"I don't know whether to kill it… or lick it."

Derek glares up at her. He hates her. He hates her so much.

oooOOOooo

He's crawling away. Desperately. He needs to get up. He needs to stand up and stop being a baby about this. She's following him. He can hear the electricity and he knows it's a scare tactic. She wants him good and riled up before she hits him with it again. And it's working. Derek's starting to get scared. Because what if she kills him, too, and then he won't be able to see Uncle Peter anymore or help Scott or see Stiles and-

Fuck.

He hits the couch, grabs onto it, uses it to lever himself up. It's best to get this over with. It's best to let it be done. But he's not going to go out without a fight. The electricity's leaving him, slowly but surely, and Derek can't wait to dig his teeth and claws into her flesh. He lets the wolf have some control. Only a little. Enough to get his blood boiling.

She shocks him again and sends him rolling away. Derek doesn't make a sound. He holds it in, even though his stomach is rebelling and making him feel like he's about to lose what he last ate. He rolls onto his stomach again, forcing his limbs to work and help him get up. It's not working. He ends up on his side, body convulsing, muscles twitching, throat working as he watches her step closer. He hears her laugh and he despairs, but pushes it away almost immediately. He can't afford that right now.

She wants them to help each other.

Derek could laugh. But instead he's about to spit. If he could get his body working again.

And she's talking about his sister and that gives him pause. She's about to reveal something and they both know it and they both also know that Derek is listening very carefully. He levers himself up against a door, still twitching, but looking her in the eye now.

No. There isn't love there anymore. His wolf was right. He should have gone with his instincts. He just wants to kill her now.

"Now, here's the part that might _really_ kick you in the balls. We didn't kill her."

Derek's eyebrows shoot up.

"You think I'm lying?" She seems appalled.

"Wouldn't be the first time." He tries to snarl, finding his voice.

Derek watches her get closer, watches her, can't look away even though he wants to as she kneels down.

"We. Didn't. Kill." She's so close. So so close. Derek can smell her, can hear her heartbeat steady in his ears.

She's by his ear now. "Your."

He hates her. He's going to be sick because he's lying to himself- he _wants_ to hate her. But he loved her. With all his heart and then she'd broken him into little tiny pieces and he doesn't know how to come back from that. It's been years and he still has no idea what to do with himself. How he manages to get up every morning and keep going with his life.

"Sister."

Her breath is hot against his ear. Derek doesn't know how to feel anymore, or what to think. Because she's not lying. The hunters didn't kill Laura. It's not Kate's fault. And Derek wishes it were, more than anything. Because now he's at square one and he doesn't know where to go from here.

He sees it in her eyes as his silence is basically admitting that he doesn't know who the Alpha is. She's going to kill him. So as she turns away, he takes his chance and gets up and runs. He runs until when he looks back he can barely see his house through the trees.

He stops for breath, feeling cold and alone and so so empty inside. Kate. _Kate._ He looks to where he was running, and then back. The anger is there. It's there, below the surface. And it's so much better than feeling nothing. So he clings to it, lets the rage overtake him. And he gains a new resolve. The Alpha must die. Now more than ever.

And Derek must never, ever see Kate again.

oooOOOooo

When Derek is thrown against the wall by the Alpha, blood pouring from his mouth, he has time to think _Well, fuck._ Before he passes out, eyes still wide open.

oooOOOooo

Derek stops Scott from attacking Allison and Jackson on the Full Moon. In a weird way, Scott's become like a younger brother to him. Not that Derek would ever, _ever_ admit it. But he feels good, protecting Scott from himself. Like he's got a purpose for once. That doesn't stop him from being worried about Scott. But he masks it well.

Derek doesn't even care that it's his Uncle who's the Alpha. Hell, that feels like solid ground compared to everything else.

And he gets to protect Stiles.

oooOOOooo

They've captured him. They've got him and there's enough electricity that Derek can't hold in his screams anymore. He yells to the ceiling, mouth open wide and body twitching and arching desperately to get away from the pain that just _keeps on coming._

Kate flicks on the light and Derek snarls at her. He strains against his restraints and damn it if she talks about him like he's an animal one more time he's going to break something. Preferably her skull. That's the wolf in control.

He stares at Allison.

_Don't you see? This is what hunters are. Do you really want that?_

This is how all hunters are. How Kate is. Derek can't even bring himself to feel anger towards her anymore. Now he's just empty and tired. He knows it's him letting her go and he's relieved.

Finally. _Finally._

The volts start up again and Derek's shocked back into his human self, gasping, grunting, keening in pain. The volts leave him gasping, shuddering, and there's absolutely nothing he can do as Kate comes up and _touches him_ like a fucking_ zoo exhibit._

But Derek's a backseat driver right now anyway. The wolf is going to kill her when it gets free. They leave him then, and Derek slumps against the rack. He hangs his head, skull swimming with pain. He ends up passing out again instead.

oooOOOooo

He wonders why, when she comes back, she keeps talking. She took his money, comparing him to his driver's license. Derek's too tired to care. He lets her touch him this time, because if he isn't broken yet, he's going to break soon.

He spits subtle insults because it's all he can do.

She licks up his stomach and Derek sucks in his gut to get away from it, lurching at her again, snapping his jaws because the wolf is so so done and he is too, he hates her, he hates her with everything he has.

And he _really _hates it when she calls him 'sweetie'.

oooOOOooo

"You did tell her about me didn't you? The truth about the fire?" Derek goes absolutely still, his breathing quickening against his will.

"Or did you?" Kate asks, getting up and coming around. She gasps dramatically. Derek feels patronized and he knows she can tell when he's lying just as well as when he can tell she is.

"_Did you tell anybody_?" Derek flinches and looks away. No. No of course he didn't. All his fault, all his fault.

"Oh, _sweetie_, that's just a lot of guilt to keep buried." Derek hates her. He hates her so much. "It's not all your fault." It is. "You got tricked by a pretty face." That, too. "It happens." She's laughing. "Handsome young werewolf mistakenly falls in love with super hot girl who… comes from a family that kills werewolves."

Derek's eyes are burning, but he's not going to cry. Not in front of her.

oooOOOooo

He's helping her take down the pack again, if you could even call it that. But among wolves there is a sense of camaraderie and- and Derek's going to get Scott killed. And it's all his fault. Over and over and over again- all his fault.

And Kate figures out who the other beta is and Derek feels like dying.

oooOOOooo

"So what?!" Derek doesn't give a _shit_ about Allison's family. He _hopes_ Peter kills them and saves him the trouble.

And okay maybe he's projecting onto Scott a little bit. Stupid little teenage crush that meant absolutely nothing- that was all him. That was Derek's life. But he needs to protect Scott, he needs to not let him die, and if projecting onto him happens at the same time, so fucking be it.

Scott shows him the picture and Derek feels like the whole world is crumbling again. Peter did know what he was doing when he was killing Laura and _this is his uncle and sister_ they're talking about. People Derek grew up with. And suddenly, this huge change, in everything-

It was the fire. And it's Derek's fault. It only makes him angrier.

He doesn't need Scott's help to get out of the other cuff. The metal bends under his fingers, groans, gives way. And soon Derek's feet are on the floor, and he's rubbing his wrists with a sense of victory blazing in his gut, and hot determination that's going to give him the vengeance he wants. His tone is dead and _redhotangry_ with rage when he says

"I'll help you."

oooOOOooo

Just as Derek admits that maybe it wasn't too easy, he gets shot in the shoulder with an arrow.

_God damn it._

oooOOOooo_  
_

Derek kind of feels like a pincushion. But he has to protect Scott. He's too weak right now to fight Kate. He needs all of the strength he can get. They have to get away right now.

So he breaks off the arrows, grabs Scott by the back of the jacket, and drags him away. Or tries to anyway. He goes until he falls and he knows he's not getting up. His shoulder and leg are killing him. So he shoves Scott ahead of him. At least one of them will get out alive.

"Scott, go!" He barks. But Scott's only scrambling backwards. He needs to _run_.

Derek was just getting up when Kate shoots him in the gut and he goes back down hard.

And he feels a sudden rush of affection towards Chris. Because thank god someone is just as angry at Kate as he is.

oooOOOooo

Peter actually checks on him as he bounds out of the house. He touches Derek's shoulder gently as he passes, and Derek makes a soft sound. _I'm okay._ He isn't. But it feels like a moment where they're not even wolves anymore. Just family members. And something horrible is happening and both of them are too far gone to stop it.

It's a moment of understanding.

Peter takes Kate inside the house and Derek feels a cold victory that feels like it could become a laugh bubble up inside his stomach. She won't be coming out of there.

Derek gets onto his hands and knees.

oooOOOooo

Kate's dead and Derek feels _good_.

But he can't let Peter kill anyone else. Not Allison, not Scott. And they'll face him together. _Pack._

oooOOOooo_  
_

It's the hardest decision of his life. But Peter voices what they both know.

"You've- already- decided." He gasps. "I can smell it on you!"

He killed Laura.

Derek raises his hand and brings it down.

oooOOOooo

Derek builds a pack. He doesn't want to be alone anymore. And he needs them, just as badly as they need him. He hates beating the hell out of Isaac and Erica and Boyd, because a part of him really does care about them. But they need to learn. They need to be strong.

Derek really has no clue what he's doing, but he's trying.

oooOOOooo

Stiles saves his life. He holds Derek above water for two hours. How does a normal human _do _that? Derek doesn't care. He feels needed. He feels safe. At least, until Stiles lets him go. Even then, he knows Stiles will come back for him. So he holds his breath until his lungs burn and he's so so close to just kissing Stiles when they resurface. He doesn't, but he wanted to.

The wolf inside loves Stiles all the more.

oooOOOooo

Derek is convinced that not only is he a horrible person, but all three of his pups escape on the full moon and he's the worst Alpha in the history of the world.

He wishes he were dead.

oooOOOooo

Erica is a she-wolf. Derek isn't worried about her. She's got a fiery personality, when you get down to it, only augmented by the wolf. She'll be fine. At least, that's what he tells himself.

Boyd is big and he's a softie underneath. Derek knows this, and tries to approach him without approaching him. It seems to work. Derek's doing his best to cater to the different personalities of his pack.

Isaac is the pup of the group. He's the smallest. Not the weakest, no, but still lanky and tiny. Derek wants to protect him the most. He feels obligated. And he chooses to. Even though he doesn't play favorites.

oooOOOooo

It takes time, but once they learn of the Alpha pack, the others are on board to become part of Derek's pack, too.

Peter is tentatively second in command, just because he's oldest and admittedly knowledgeable. He lives in the house with Derek. Scott and the others all establish their own pecking order, with the humans worming their way in, too. It somehow feels like a big happy family, even though danger is still looming over their heads.

Derek starts to feel better. Not- not normal. Not okay. But better.

oooOOOooo

The first time Stiles kisses him, Derek holds on for dear life.

oooOOOooo

He's twenty three, Stiles is sixteen, and Derek doesn't give a fuck. Not one. Because Stiles makes his wolf happy, makes Derek feel alive. They haven't had sex yet, but Derek doesn't need that. And Stiles wants to wait anyway. They settle for pressing up against each other on the couch or Stiles sitting in Derek's lap during pack meetings. They settle for stolen kisses and soft touches and gentle smiles.

Stiles has his own share of healing to do, and Derek wants to give and give and give until Stiles is okay again before he even thinks of taking any comfort for himself. But Stiles finds little ways to make him know he's loved and wanted and that it's really real and not like Kate.

He leaves sticky notes all over the Hale house for Derek to find. They're always in the weirdest places. But they always say something like _I love you_ or _You're awesome_ or _Stop scowling, Sourwolf._

They always make Derek hide a smile.

Stiles finds out about Derek's love for butterflies and doesn't laugh. They actually get into an in depth conversation about the different species and which ones live around Beacon Hills. Derek never even told Kate about it, and Stiles accepting it without a word makes Derek feel even better than Stiles can imagine.

It's going to take time. And maybe the wounds would never truly heal. But Derek has Stiles. And that's all he needs, for the rest of his life. And judging by the way Stiles' heart jumps every time Derek enters a room, the feeling is completely mutual.


End file.
